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When my dad picked me up at the airport, I felt embarrassed. Here I was coming home, bloated from drinking too much, with nothing but what I carried in my duffel bag. I had wanted to get married and have a child, but instead I was back in New York, dragging a small black dog on a leash.
I grew up in a multicultural neighbourhood in the suburbs of New York. My parents were on and off again alcoholics. As the oldest of six children, I became the one everyone leaned on for support, which meant I cleaned, shopped, cooked and changed babies. Suffering a lack of parental support growing up, I was left emotionally craving love and attention.
By the time I was 16, I had enough. I gave up trying to be the responsible one and started drinking and smoking. I was soon caught up in my own cycle of addiction. Nothing mattered, except to escape from my circumstances.
I decided to make some quick money by moving to California to become an actress. Instead, I ended up dancing in a bar for two months. Although it was degrading, I acted as if I didn't care.
I eventually tried to pull my life together and pursue my acting dream. I took some acting courses, but kept drinking and eventually dropped out of school to live with a man I thought I loved. We traveled up and down the coast, selling second-hand goods at swap meets. When we didn't travel, we marketed marijuana.
One time, after a drinking binge, my boyfriend beat me up. I didn’t have the resources to make it on my own, so I took my small black dog and went home to my parents. I stayed with them for a year and started working in a hair salon. Through an Alcoholics Anonymous program, I sobered up.
A year later I became so ill with Hepatitis B that I almost died. One of my clients invited me to attend church, telling me I could get prayer for my illness there. I went, and at the end of the service, I prayed to accept Jesus into my heart. I continued to go to church for a few months, but despite the vividness of my conversion experience, I kept on with life as usual.
Eventually, I married an independent filmmaker, whom I thought would make all my dreams come true. But after our first movie together, our marriage became a nightmare and we divorced.
My ex-husband immediately began to see other women. One night, after seeing him with his latest date, a strong wind blew through my room. I got up to fix the blind and saw a huge cross overlaying the moon. Struck with the fear of God, I instantly dropped to my knees, asking Jesus to forgive me for my sins.
Yet, despite all my efforts to find peace, my life still felt empty. I had gone to several churches, to AA meetings, Weight Watchers, the gym, even therapy. I visited vacation spots, bought clothes, got facials but still had no peace.
I called a friend whom I knew had Jesus in her life, and she invited me to a women's prayer meeting. It was there that I came to the point of decision: I would do whatever I had to do to serve God.
Shortly after this I was able to forgive all the people who had hurt me, just like Jesus had forgiven me. Through all my years of therapy, this concept had eluded me. But now, the burden was finally lifted.
Jesus has put in me a burning desire to tell others about Him. I'm currently on staff part-time in my church and in Bible school, pursuing a degree in theology. I'm also working part-time as a hairdresser in the entertainment industry. As for my acting ambitions, I've put them in God's hands and know that I can trust Him to use me as He wishes.
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