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As a teenager, the sudden death of my father was very difficult for me. I was already heading into rebellion, but his death-along with the deterioration of my relationship with my mother-hurled my life into self-destruction.
At 19, I moved to the west coast, determined to have a new beginning. Within three months, I met Tom. We began living together two months later. We fought our way through the next year-and-a-half. I believed the solution to the turmoil was to get married. The following year, in 1971, we did. In 1973, our son, Pernell, was born. One year later, I was pregnant again. After much turmoil, I decided to have an abortion. Then, in 1976, our daughter Sara was born.
By age 30, I was becoming dependent on prescription drugs, and I experienced depression and thoughts of suicide as a consequence of post-abortion syndrome. I considered taking the children and trying to find a new beginning apart from Tom. I would have done so if he had not persuaded me that the children and I belonged with him.
In 1981, Jonathan was born. Tom was laid off a year later and could not find a job. So I went to work. I enjoyed the responsibility that came with my position, along with the elegant dinners, positive attention and relationships outside of my marriage. But there was a price-long days and weekends at the office and regrets at night.
Five years later, having barely seen my children, having no relationship with my husband and having unhealthy relationships outside of my marriage, my longtime friend Barb took me for a walk and said, 'Sara, ever since I've known you, all you ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. If you don't make changes now, you will come home one day and find your kids have grown up without you.'
I knew she was right. In October 1987, I put the kids in the car and drove away.
My first and biggest challenge came when I tried to obtain custody of our three children. Because I had worked for five years outside the home, I could not presume that I would be granted custody. Before I left the office for court, my manager, Jim, offered to pray for me. I had turned to him for advice, because he was a gentleman whose life was a marked contrast to mine. When Jim mentioned prayer, I reluctantly agreed. But as soon as he said 'Amen,' I bolted for the door.
To my amazement, the judge granted joint-custody with equal access to both my husband and myself. At last I knew that there was a God who must love me, as Jim had often told me. I ran out to call Jim. As he answered the phone, I blurted out: 'Okay, I want to know more about this God of yours. You obviously have a direct line, and I'm prepared to listen.'
In the following weeks, Jim shared more with me about Jesus. He told me God loved me and created me to know Him personally. He also told me I wasn't experiencing God's love in my life was because I was insisting on going my own way.
As Christmas approached that year, I realized that for the first time since becoming a mom, I would be spending the holidays without my children. On December 22, as I drove Jim to the airport, he pointed out how badly my life was going, and urged me again to give my life to God. Jim told me that the Bible said if I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, I could be rescued from my hopelessness. 'Where does it say that?' I challenged him. He answered. Accurately. Word for word.
So I prayed, repeating what Jim said. I never thought that it would change anything. However, before I said 'Amen,' something profound had happened inside me. For the first time in my life, the emptiness inside me was gone. I knew I could really start over.
In the 13 years since that night, I have gone through many storms, but my life has slowly changed. My old habits of smoking and drinking, angry tirades and unhealthy relationships have faded away. As I read the Bible and pray, an unexplainable peace presides over every day and every circumstance.
Today, with all of life's struggles, I cannot imagine trying to cope with life alone, without the assurance that God is in control. I can honestly say that I have a new life. God gave me my new beginning.
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